Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I need this for my side hustle.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.