My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.