My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.