I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.