Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background