someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
#winning
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I hope Alan is OK
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?