Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I wish this was real life…
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.