You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!