Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib