I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes