Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap