asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Camping tip: No.