r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Did my cat write this
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.