Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.