I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Sending in my taxes
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
When someone trying to leave me
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?