[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅