The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Venn
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency