Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours