5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
#SaturdayBears
#inspiration #foodforthought
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”