Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!