Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Nice try Hitler
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire