Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY