My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?