“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”