My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before