Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”