In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I thought this was funny lol
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.