We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Fixed this for Shakespeare
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Good point.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.