Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
mood
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.