[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing