dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”