I’ve been drinking.
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying