A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.