Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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He was looking for a job and then he found a job
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
lmao
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.