I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.