I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.