You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
You Might Also Like
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
SF is the wild wild west man
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*