ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.