I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot