It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Called it
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.