Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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Weirdly Wednesday.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
what day is it?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.