No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.