boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely