The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.