Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
You Might Also Like
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO