My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.