If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
what’s the point then??
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy