It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.