My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.