My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
waiting for halloween be like:
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Don’t tell me what to do
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes